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vocabulary K.S. Stanislavsky: "Talent is the desire to work, and secondly, the capacity to work."
To Parents: How the destinies of children unfold when their parents decide to live only

To Parents: How the destinies of children unfold when their parents decide to live only "for them"


I want to draw your attention to the fact that "main" and "only" are not the same. Psychologist Olga Valyaeva, almost in the literal sense of the word, begs: "Do not live for the sake of children!". This call is made to warn against broken destinies… After all, if you do not love yourself, how will you teach your child to do the same?

And here is the result…

I am raising my son alone!

You will do everything just for your child. You have no time to think about finding your other half and getting married again, because your son is growing up, and he should have everything! Years go by, he is no longer a boy, but still without a family, without children. He also has no time to think about this, because he needs to repay his mother's unpaid debt.

I must work for the sake of my children, no matter the cost!

"My children must live in abundance, they must attend the most prestigious university." - You think so. You want to make your smart daughter a doctor or translator. She definitely has talent! You saved up for her university, working day and night… And she refused: "I want to manage my own life." She wanted to become an artist or musician. You try to explain; show her the right way to live; warn her against mistakes. After all, you are a parent who knows a lot about this life and knows exactly what will be best for her. But it's all in vain.
Ksyusha's father, in such a situation, found a way to reason with his thoughtless daughter. But he presented a bill: how much he invested in her education, clothing, classes. And demanded that she return the money. This was their last conversation.

I must give up my personal life!

Your daughter has already suffered from the divorce. Why traumatize her by bringing a new man into the house? And you give up your personal life, neglecting new acquaintances, dates. Ira's mother also thought so. Now Ira has grown up, and she also cannot establish her personal life because she cannot leave her beloved mother. In her employer's questionnaire, she indicates: 40 years old, unmarried, no children.

We shouldn't be good spouses – we should be good parents

Everything for the children! No matter what happens, everything is for the children and only for them! Attention, love, gifts, holidays. You strive to be the best and most caring parents.

Igor and Zhenya's parents thought exactly the same way. They really are good parents. Parents who forgot that they are also spouses. And after the children grew up and left, there was nothing left connecting them. They divorced after three decades spent together, in the name of fulfilling the main role in their lives - the role of parents. Because they needed to play the role of spouses next, which they were not familiar with. The wife is in her fourth decade, but she is afraid of repeating the same story her mother had. After all, after the divorce, her life didn't get better.

A late child in the family!

You've waited for him for so long. You want him to be the smartest, the most satisfied, always safe. You want him to know English perfectly, be the best dancer, chess player, musician, have a PhD.

Gosha is one of those people whose mother dreamt of his perfection. Only now, at forty, he lives alone. Because his children are with another father. And he doesn't care. Does he want to raise his own children? Does he want to be with his wife? He doesn't know. He knows what his mother wants, but he can't become the perfect flutist, chess champion, or the second Einstein. He didn't become that and gave up. It's easier to drown his failure in alcohol.

This is just an example, an illustration of the stories that can be found in our world.

To become the meaning of life. Isn't that too complicated a mission for a person?

You give him everything, lay down carpet paths and downy blankets so he doesn't fall. You wrap him in four fur coats so he doesn't freeze. You give him four servings of delicious soup at once so he doesn't go hungry. You embrace him with all your strength so he feels loved. You spend all your time on him without sparing yourself. Can you imagine the weight of this love on one person? And he would be happy to help, to ease your burden, to do something himself. But for twenty years, you have been including everything that will help him become the best on this planet. You don't have to say how much he owes you, how much energy, time, and money you spent on him. He will feel it.

And then what?

What happens to a person who receives a bill in the mail? Either they conscientiously pay it... Or they protest, drink due to the inability to pay the debt, or simply refuse to maintain contact with the person who sent the bill. Only a small percentage of people can understand where their mission comes from – to become the meaning of life. Only a few can learn to love themselves as well.

Don't live just for your children!

Children may be the main thing, but not the only thing in life. Don't burden a little person with such a complex mission. Don't make them a debtor.

Find a place in your life for your beloved husband

Children look at us, learn from our example. They'll see even what you don't show them. So let them see that their parents love not only their children but each other as well. Let them see your happiness living with them and away from them. Let them look at you and want the same happy family story.

Love yourself

Find time for yourself too. You can go to a salon while your child goes to a tutor. Let your child learn to love themselves following your example. Let your child see your happiness, not your sacrifices.

And if you go together to the Torino stadium, where you watch a football match with your child, there's nothing wrong with that. Children's and parents' tastes usually coincide!

Seek the meaning of life beyond the material plane

Remember that your children will value what you value. The more hobbies, useful activities, and spirituality you have, the more spirituality in your child. There are other aspects of life besides raising children: be it religion, philosophy, or something else.

And again, I repeat, don't live just for your children!

It's hard to look at those who received more from their parents than everyone else. In their eyes, you can see a lot: pain, guilt, pleas for salvation... They just want to give love to their parents, but it's so hard for them to live with it.

Give your children the opportunity to live and breathe

We shouldn't lead them all the way, but just show the direction. Provide support, not remove all difficulties. Then they will be able to overcome the entire path themselves.

vocabulary K.S. Stanislavsky: "Talent is the desire to work, and secondly, the capacity to work."

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